I'm not a Victim.

I am not a victim.
Some nights I'm totally fine with what happened.

Some nights I just cry and cry and cry. 

Some nights I deny that it all happened in hopes that I would be able to forget it. 

But every day, at some point or another, it haunts me. 

Sometimes it haunts me more than others. 

I don't always know what triggers it but others I have no idea. 

As much as I want to know so I can prevent my anxiety attacks and my melt downs, it's okay that they happen. 

I hate that I go through this every day.
But I hate even more that I don't have answers.
Why did you do this to me?
How could you text me later that night telling me that you hoped I had a good night?
Where are you now?
Have you done this before?
Will you do this again?
I try my very hardest to pray for you every day.
That God would convict you.
But that He would keep all the other girls that come across you safe.
Because just like me, they don't deserve it.
It hurts.
It hurts the most Friday nights.
It's been thirteen weeks and it still hurts.
This week has been one of the roughest yet.
That email.
The whirlwind of thoughts.
Where are you now?
Trusting God is so hard when I'm so confused.
I know that He has a plan.
And that His will will be done.
It wasn't my fault.
I will be able to go more than a few hours without having to convince myself of that.
But today isn't that day.
Today I had to convince myself that I'm not making this up.
That it is not my fault. 

That I am not a victim.
But that I am a survivor.
I didn't choose to get raped.
He chose to rape me.
It was not my choice.
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening.
I learned my lesson.
I learned many actually.
I've gained new relationships.
I've lost old ones.
But I learned who I am.
I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.
I am beautiful.
I'm not dirty or worthless.
I am WORTHY.
I am way more worth than that guy.
I am worth more than gold.
And I will not let anyone treat me as if I'm anything less.
I am a survivor. 

It Happened.

It happens.
Way to often.

It happened.
It happened to me.

There is no timeline.
Or checklist.
But you'll get through it.

"Sometimes the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life"
Now, I know this wasn't my fault.
Some days it's harder to convince myself of that fact.
But I didn't ask for him to rape me.
No one asks to be raped.

It's okay to not be okay.
It's only been two months.

Other people can't tell me how to move on.
They can't tell me that I've been dragging this on.
They can't tell me I need to feel more.
They don't understand how I am feeling.

Right after it happened, when people would ask me how I was doing I would say, "I'm not okay, but that's okay. Because one day I will be okay. That doesn't have to be today or tomorrow, but I'll be okay."

It's been over two months now.
I don't go a day without thinking about it.
But I have more good days than bad days.
It doesn't take as much convincing to get out of bed.

I'm getting better.
Am I back to how I was before?
Definitely not.
Will I ever be?
I sure hope so but I'm not counting on it.
Will someone ever love me after this?
Yes. I know this.

But, you know what I'm tired of?
People treating me like nothing ever happened.
But, you know what else I'm tired of?
People treating me differently because it happened.

It happened.
I'm still me.
I'm a little different.
My trust is a little harder to earn.
It's hard for me to be comfortable around new people.
It's not easy for me to go out and do things by myself anymore.
But I am still me.
I can still trust.
I can still get comfortable around new people.
I can still go out and do things by myself.
It just takes a little bit more.
And that is totally okay.

Because I am okay.
I'm going to be okay.
And so are you.
I promise.

Go out and do something you love.
Go out and be with people who love you.
Because they do.
Go eat your favorite comfort food.
Draw.
Write.
Take pictures.
Go watch a movie.

We will get through this.
We will be okay.

Rape. It's Real.

Rape is one of those things that is mentioned from time to time when you’re growing up. 

You’re occasionally taught how to defend yourself in case someone tries to “man handle you.”

You’re not told that it happens to men and women.
 
You probably don’t realize that it happens to one in 6 women. 

You also probably don’t realize that someone gets raped every two minutes, well technically every 109 seconds. 

They aren’t reported nearly as often as they happen. 

It is one of those things you have knowledge about but you don’t think it’ll ever happen to you.
 
Until it does. 

Then you don’t even know how to handle the situation.

Shocked.

Stunned. 

In constant disbelief. 

“Did that really happen?”

“It couldn’t have.”

“I’m a nice girl, who would do that to me?”

“Am I supposed to tell someone?”

Those thoughts whirl around your head seconds afterwards. 

Minutes afterwards.

Hours. 

Days. 

Weeks. 

Months. 

Maybe even years.

I am a victim.

I am a victim of rape.

I am still a girl.
 
A daughter.
 
A sister. 

I’m all of those things FIRST and FOREMOST before being a victim of rape. 

It doesn’t define me. 

It is not who I am.

I still get up and go to work.
 I live my day to day life. 

Just by looking at someone, you would never be able to tell whether or not they have been raped or not.

It takes a lot of courage to tell loved ones. 

Tears. 

Heartache. 

Anger. 

Disbelief. 

“That couldn’t have happened to my baby girl.”

“Who would do such a thing?”

A frequent question is “what were you wearing?”
 
It doesn’t matter. 

It does not matter if I had clothes on or not.
 
Or if my clothes were provoking.
 
Or if I was in sweats or lingerie. 

It doesn’t matter what I was wearing.

I just so happened to be wearing my work out clothes for I had gone to the gym that day.
I didn’t even shower in between.

Another one “why didn’t you fight back?”
 
Sure I was given ways to protect myself.
 
Was I taught how to get out of a situation if I was pinned to the bed with my legs spread apart? 

No. 

Did I expect to be put in that situation that night? 

Hell no. 

Did it happen?

Yes.
 
Did I ask for it?

Absolutely not. 

Was it my fault?

Definitely not.

The victim is never at fault.

It doesn’t matter if they consented once or multiple times before.
 
Once “no” or “stop” are said, it’s over.

If someone keeps going from that point, it becomes rape.
 
Married, dating, or a stranger. 

Once someone says “no” or “stop” it needs to end there.
We should be taught how to respect others words.

We still should be taught to defend ourselves.

But more importantly, we need to teach and learn to respect what someone wants. 

Enough with the pressure.
 
Enough with the persistency.


No means no.

Rape is a real thing. 

I don’t wish it upon anyone. 

Not even him.

Not even my worst enemy.
 
It messes with your trust. 

Your mental stability.
 
Your ability to go places and do things. 

Anxiety starts. 

50 days later and I still can’t go anywhere without having some sort of anxiety.

Am I upset that this happened?
Of course.
But I don't get to go back and change it.
However, I want to prevent this from happening to other people.
I want to end this silence.
Talk to your kids about it.
Not just your daughters.
Your sons too.
Tell them that no means no.

Reach out.
If this post prevents one person from being raped, it'll be worth every tear.
Every last one.

I am a girl....

I am a girl.

I am a girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind.

And isn't afraid of how people will respond.

I am a girl with a support system.

That will never leave me hanging.

I am a girl with a beautiful smile.

Even through the tears and grief.

I am a girl with curves.

That I rock every day and love very much.

I am a girl who will go a day without makeup.

Even though some people will ask me if I am sick,

I am a girl who doesn't always eat very healthy.

Because I am picky.

I am a girl who isn't willing to change for people.

I am who I am and if you don't like that then that is your problem.

I am a girl who is self conscious.

Because of my curves.

I am a girl who was home schooled and went back to public school.

And was bullied because of it.

I am a girl who is honest.

Because I hate being lied to.

I am a girl who is always a teachers pet.

Because I am mature.

I am a girl who will cuss.

I am a girl with blue eyes.

 That sparkle in the sunlight.

I am a girl who rarely cries.

Only when I have been strong for too long.

I am a girl who is depressed.

Because I don't process things well.

I am a girl that has anxiety.

Because decisions are hard.

I am a girl with a wonderful family.

I am a girl who has been through a divorce.

Harder than hell but I made it.

I am a girl with an obsession with minions and elephants.

Because they are awesome.

I am a girl who has trust issues.

I trust too much.

I am a girl that is a fifth year senior. 

Because I was home-schooled.

I am a girl who didn't have her first kiss until the day before her eighteenth birthday. 

I am a girl who won't try on clothes at the store.

Because I am afraid of what people will say,

I am a girl who will compliment other people.

Because I know that when people compliment me it makes my day.

I am a girl who posts a lot of selfies.

Because sometimes, I don't feel pretty, and when I do I want everyone to see.

I am a girl who blogs.

I am a girl who loves those who aren't.

Not because I know how it feels but because I know how great it feels to be loved.

I am a girl who dances like no ones watching.

Because it makes me happy.

I am a girl that is shy.

Because new people scare me.

I am a girl that is strong.

It took a lot to get here but I am here now.

I AM A GIRL.

Don't judge me by: what I wear.

Or by what I listen to.

What size clothes I wear or don't wear.

By how I do my hair,

Or how I act in public.

The music I like,

What I have or haven't done in my life.

Or by what people have told you.

On if I have a boyfriend.

Or if I have a child.

Or whether I choose to have sex before marriage or to wait,

By the food I eat and the amount that I consume.

Or if I have a job or not.

The kind of car I drive.

I am a girl.

A girl just trying to discover who she is.

A girl who doesn't want other people to define her.

A girl who doesn't want to have to worry about what people say about her.

A girl who doesn't want to be judged.

I AM A GIRL.

To the Girl that was Singing in the Bathroom

I attend a school with close to 2,500 students and staff. I have been attending this school for close to three years and know no where near that many students. Every day I see people that I have never seen before.
There are about 11 sets of student bathrooms in this school. And as much as I hate public bathrooms, sometimes I have to use them.
This week when I went to the bathroom during my government class, a fellow school-mate that I have seen before in the hallways but never really talked to came into the bathroom singing. She had no idea that I was in there and I knew that when I walked out it was going to be awkward for the both of us but I needed to get back to class.
I really admired her self confidence for singing in school, sure it was the bathroom but there are like 6 stalls and there could have been someone in any one of them.
There could have been a mean girl who just laughed at her.
There could have been a quiet girl who turned red in the face and just walked out not bothering to even acknowledge the fact that there was another person in there.
But instead, there was me. Someone who knows what it is like to be made fun of in school for whatever reason it may be that day, It was me who just happened to be going pee when she came in singing.
Sure I had a moment where I had to determine what I was going to do.
Was I going to

• acknowledge that she was singing
• skip washing my hands and go straight back to class
• or compliment her

There was never a time where I thought I should make fun of her, not even a split second.

I was very happy that she came in singing.

It made me happy that even high schoolers will sing their hearts out in the bathroom, and that it isn't just preschoolers.

I decided that if it was me in the situation but as the singer, I would want someone to acknowledge that I was singing but not just that, but to receive a compliment on it. So that is just what I did. 

She had no idea that I was in there.

When I walked out of that first stall in that bathroom, the look on her face was pure embarrassment and pure shock. She didn't know what to do either.

We both went through an awkward moment where we were staring at each other while I started to was my hands. 

I told her that she had a beautiful singing voice and she didn't hear me so she asked me to repeat myself so I did. She said thank you, got a huge smile on her face and ran out of the bathroom.

So, to the girl that was singing in the bathroom,

I beyond admire your confidence to even sing aloud in the school bathroom, for I could NEVER do that.

The smile that you got on your face when I told you that your singing was beautiful made my heart super happy. 

I want you to know that your voice is truly beautiful, and I didn't just say that because of the awkward situation. I wouldn't be surprised if I see you on American Idol one day.

Next time, sing louder, sing so everyone can hear you, because you have a voice that everyone should get to here. 

To the girl that was singing in the bathroom, 

Thank you.

Thank you for showing me that it is okay to be yourself in a sea of 2,500 people.

Thank you for letting me hear your beautiful voice, even though you may not havfe meant to.

Thank you for making me feel happy by seeing how happy my comment made you.

I wish I would have gotten your name, so for now, you are just known to me as "The girl that was singing in the bathroom"

Live Like You Wanna

Ever listen to a song that sings to your soul?? The lyrics just express exactly what you have been feeling lately or that says just the thing you need to hear?? The song that has been that song for me was on a Spotify playlist that I have been jamming to lately. It is one of those songs that makes me wanna turn it up and roll the windows down and totally rock out. Or have a dance party.

Dance parties. They are what I live for. Sometimes when I am in class I just wanna crank it up and jam with the whole class. I work at a preschool and we have dance parties weekly at minimum and I love it.

So anyways, back to the song that has been my soul song this week. I haven't even been in a particularly depressed time in my life but this song still gets my soul even happier than it is.

It is "Live Like a Warrior" by Matisyahu. And yes, we did have a dance party to this song at work today.

Here are the Lyrics in video form and not

Feel like the world don't love you 
They only want to push you away 
Some days people don't see you 
You feel like you're in the way 
Today you feel, as if everyone hates 
Pointing their fingers, looking at your mistakes 
You do good, they want great 
No matter what you give they still want to take 
Give your love and they throw it back 
You give your heart they go on attack 
When there's nothing left for you, 
Only thing that you can do, say

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Some things you should let go, they're only gonna pull you down,
Just like weight on your shoulder they are only gonna make you drown 
We all swing high, we all swing low, 
We all got secrets people don't know 
We all got dreams we can't let go, 
We want to brave, Don't be afraid 
Ohh

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Your heart is too heavy from things you carry a long time, 
You been up you been down, tired and you don't know why, 
But you're never gonna go back, you only live one life 
Let go, let go, let goooooo, Let go, let go, let goooooo, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior

So the first stanza of this song is expressing how it feels to be depressed. You feel like everyone just keeps putting you down again and again. But the rest of the song tells you to live like YOU wanna and throw away yesterday and not let it bother you. And it says Let it go (hope you aren't singing Frozen now HAHA) let yesterday go. You aren't gonna get tomorrow back so you have to live today like you want to.

Don't let anyone tell you how to live today because it isn't what you want. So next time you wanna rock out to your favorite song in the car, don't worry about the people in the cars around you judging you, what are the odds that you will see them again or that they will remember that you're that happy person who rocked out in their car at a stoplight?? Dance in the isles of the grocery store with your loved ones. 

I constantly worry what other people will think of me if I do certain things. But what is the likelihood that that will stick in their heads? Not very likely. If they love you then they won't care and they might even join you. If they say they love you and they judge you then maybe they don't really love you... 

So turn up your favorite song in the car and roll down your windows. 

Have a dance party in the middle of your day; whether it is in your car, house, office, classroom, bedroom, or even the bathroom it might make your day a little bit better. Dance like no one is watching, even if there are people who are watching.

Adulting

As I am now of legal age I am trying to figure out how to "adult." I am learning that it isn't something that can be taught by an adultier adult. It is a very hard time and I am struggling a lot with it. But somehow, I am getting through it.

Being an adult and managing money and saving money is all stuff I am trying to figure out.

Managing my time is even more difficult. I tend to procrastinate unintentionally. I find myself telling myself that I will get to it later and then its 3 days before and I haven't done anything about it yet.

Currently, I am very happy with where I am in life. I know what I want to be when I "grow up," I am on schedule to finally graduate, and I am beyond happy with those who I have surrounded myself with.

I was telling one of my friends yesterday how I didn't think I would ever be this happy after being so depressed for so long, yet here I am!

I have had friends coming and going in my life and I guess that is just what it is like to be a grown up. I am trying to be mature and figure out my life and my immature friends don't like that. They like immature, unadult Dakota better but I cannot be that person forever. No one can. I am just noticing earlier than some that I have to mature and grow up.

I am currently balancing school, work, family, friends and my boyfriend very well if I do say so myself. But I wouldn't be able to do this without all of the support I have from the people who love and care about me.

I think every one goes through this tough time between childhood and adulthood but no one talks about it. Maybe because they are embarrassed about it or maybe because they think everyone else has their sh*t together except for them. It is another one of those things that doesn't get talked about but really should be if you ask me.

It is hard to go from having everything given to you to having to fend for yourself and having to pay for your own things with your own money. But somehow everyone gets through it one way or another.

One day we will look back on these odd young adult years and laugh but today, we just have to keep our heads held high and keep a smile on our face because it does get better.