Live Like You Wanna

Ever listen to a song that sings to your soul?? The lyrics just express exactly what you have been feeling lately or that says just the thing you need to hear?? The song that has been that song for me was on a Spotify playlist that I have been jamming to lately. It is one of those songs that makes me wanna turn it up and roll the windows down and totally rock out. Or have a dance party.

Dance parties. They are what I live for. Sometimes when I am in class I just wanna crank it up and jam with the whole class. I work at a preschool and we have dance parties weekly at minimum and I love it.

So anyways, back to the song that has been my soul song this week. I haven't even been in a particularly depressed time in my life but this song still gets my soul even happier than it is.

It is "Live Like a Warrior" by Matisyahu. And yes, we did have a dance party to this song at work today.

Here are the Lyrics in video form and not

Feel like the world don't love you 
They only want to push you away 
Some days people don't see you 
You feel like you're in the way 
Today you feel, as if everyone hates 
Pointing their fingers, looking at your mistakes 
You do good, they want great 
No matter what you give they still want to take 
Give your love and they throw it back 
You give your heart they go on attack 
When there's nothing left for you, 
Only thing that you can do, say

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Some things you should let go, they're only gonna pull you down,
Just like weight on your shoulder they are only gonna make you drown 
We all swing high, we all swing low, 
We all got secrets people don't know 
We all got dreams we can't let go, 
We want to brave, Don't be afraid 
Ohh

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Your heart is too heavy from things you carry a long time, 
You been up you been down, tired and you don't know why, 
But you're never gonna go back, you only live one life 
Let go, let go, let goooooo, Let go, let go, let goooooo, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Fight like a Warrior, 

Today, today, live like you wanna, 
Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, 
Live like a Warrior

So the first stanza of this song is expressing how it feels to be depressed. You feel like everyone just keeps putting you down again and again. But the rest of the song tells you to live like YOU wanna and throw away yesterday and not let it bother you. And it says Let it go (hope you aren't singing Frozen now HAHA) let yesterday go. You aren't gonna get tomorrow back so you have to live today like you want to.

Don't let anyone tell you how to live today because it isn't what you want. So next time you wanna rock out to your favorite song in the car, don't worry about the people in the cars around you judging you, what are the odds that you will see them again or that they will remember that you're that happy person who rocked out in their car at a stoplight?? Dance in the isles of the grocery store with your loved ones. 

I constantly worry what other people will think of me if I do certain things. But what is the likelihood that that will stick in their heads? Not very likely. If they love you then they won't care and they might even join you. If they say they love you and they judge you then maybe they don't really love you... 

So turn up your favorite song in the car and roll down your windows. 

Have a dance party in the middle of your day; whether it is in your car, house, office, classroom, bedroom, or even the bathroom it might make your day a little bit better. Dance like no one is watching, even if there are people who are watching.

Adulting

As I am now of legal age I am trying to figure out how to "adult." I am learning that it isn't something that can be taught by an adultier adult. It is a very hard time and I am struggling a lot with it. But somehow, I am getting through it.

Being an adult and managing money and saving money is all stuff I am trying to figure out.

Managing my time is even more difficult. I tend to procrastinate unintentionally. I find myself telling myself that I will get to it later and then its 3 days before and I haven't done anything about it yet.

Currently, I am very happy with where I am in life. I know what I want to be when I "grow up," I am on schedule to finally graduate, and I am beyond happy with those who I have surrounded myself with.

I was telling one of my friends yesterday how I didn't think I would ever be this happy after being so depressed for so long, yet here I am!

I have had friends coming and going in my life and I guess that is just what it is like to be a grown up. I am trying to be mature and figure out my life and my immature friends don't like that. They like immature, unadult Dakota better but I cannot be that person forever. No one can. I am just noticing earlier than some that I have to mature and grow up.

I am currently balancing school, work, family, friends and my boyfriend very well if I do say so myself. But I wouldn't be able to do this without all of the support I have from the people who love and care about me.

I think every one goes through this tough time between childhood and adulthood but no one talks about it. Maybe because they are embarrassed about it or maybe because they think everyone else has their sh*t together except for them. It is another one of those things that doesn't get talked about but really should be if you ask me.

It is hard to go from having everything given to you to having to fend for yourself and having to pay for your own things with your own money. But somehow everyone gets through it one way or another.

One day we will look back on these odd young adult years and laugh but today, we just have to keep our heads held high and keep a smile on our face because it does get better.

Speak Up, Speak Out

I am finding it beyond difficult to talk about depression.

It needs to be talked about because so many people struggle with it. But to me it seems that today's society frowns upon depression. They don't want to acknowledge it. They don't want to let people know that they are struggling with depression. They feel that if they tell people that that is how they are feeling they will be thought of as less. Less than they already thought of themselves as. 

Some days, typically my better days, I find it way easier to talk about my depression. Sometimes with those I am close with, other times with almost anyone. Some people understand. Some people don't. And that is okay. 

Sometimes life flips upside down for us. Mine seems to have been flipping upside down a lot lately. I am not sure why. I guess I had been happy long enough and it was just time to be down again. I was having an almost 2 month long happy phase. I enjoyed every moment of it. I never really know when I will be happy or when I will be sad, so I just try to keep my head up and keep moving forward. 

Some of my friends can vogue for this, I have been in kind of a funk lately. I have certain people that I can turn to no matter what and they will be there for me. I am forever grateful for those people. Sometimes strangers brighten my day.

Yesterday, I was having a particularly rough day. I sat in my car and cried for a while in between school and work. One of my best friends came and sat with me. I posted about being upset on twitter and someone messaged me and ended up surprising me with a stuffed puppy-dog and a Starbucks gift card. It was just what I needed. A little pick me up. 

This blog is how I get most of my ranting out. Just getting my thoughts out of my head and onto something makes me feel better.

I am still in high school, working a part time job, with some health issues, and living basically on my own. I have had some people try pushing me to drop out of high school. 

Alright I got most of my thoughts for the night out, until next time blogger friends.

Smile!!!!!

I love smiling. 

People who are close to me and maybe even those who aren't say that they love my smile. 

I used to use it to hide how I was feeling. I'd just throw on my happy face and go about my day. Hiding all the sadness and hurt behind a little lift of my cheeks. Most people would walk by me and think nothing was wrong. When really my heart was so hurt I didn't know what to do other than smile. 

But I have learned that everyone is fighting their own fight. No matter how rough it is compared to what you're going through or have been through everyone is going through something.

When I was going through my hard time I would be unusually sensitive. I've learned that for me little things set me off in a way that it shouldn't. I would go off like a bomb and I wouldn't be able to control it. Someone would say or do something that would light the fuse and I would become a mad, crying, blubbering mess and it wouldn't matter where I was or what was going on. I would just break down. This taught me that there is no reason to be mean or harsh to someone. You never ever know what's going on behind the scenes. 

If you're my friend on Facebook or follow me on Instagram you would have seen a selfie (I know I post a lot of them) with a caption saying "You never know what someone's going through. Smile all the time. You could change someone's day. Or maybe even their life." 

I know that when would smile at me on my bad days it would just lift me up so much. I would just get to being so happy. It didn't usually last for long but for the moment it felt amazing. 

I am not a believer in New Years resolutions because I can never keep them. But this year, it's my goal to make someone at least smile every day. 

I was listening to Air 1 radio today while driving to work and the lady said she doesn't have a resolution for the whole year but resolution for each day. Her daily resolution was to not waste the day. Every day do something good for someone. Make someone smile. Make someone's day. For the year 2016, I don't wanna go to bed a single day saying "today was a waste" if I can make just one person smile my day won't go to waste. Who knows what that person was going through. 

My favorite place to be especially smiley is Walmart. Or any other grocery store. No one really wants to be there. Well actually, I love smiling. Wherever I am. I just love to smile. 

So join me in my smile challenge. Challenge yourself to make someone smile everyday for a week. Smiling is contagious. I've found that when I smile at someone they usually smile back. 

Smile. You never know what someone's going through behind the scenes. A simple smile might make their day. Or maybe even their life. :)

Paper Towns

I find it amazing that depending on your mood, you can learn different lessons from different things. Depending on my mood, I learn different things from books, movies, people, the Bible, etc.

I just finished watching the movie "Paper Towns". If you've seen the movie and/or read the book you might understand this. If not, go watch it, or continue reading this post. But beware it may have some spoilers.

In this movie, the main girl character, Margo, has a thing for paper towns. Paper towns are places that map companies put on their map as a copyright. Margo says that she wants to go to a paper town with paper houses because she is a paper girl. She travels to a paper town where her friends have to go and find her because she went missing.

Margo running away to a paper town reminded me of suicide. Her boyfriend had just cheated on her and she had just been in a fight with her best friend. She says she had been planning it for a while. But she was waiting until graduation to leave to this paper town. This reminds me of suicide because it's not something that just happens. Usually, a lot of stuff leads to even having those thoughts and sometimes, something little might just pull the pin on that grenade. She left to her paper town, like many people leave their life behind but they aren't going to a paper town. They are still getting away from everything in their life but in a very different way. She didn't want to deal with these things anymore so she just left. She left behind clues so people, in this case; her friend Quinton, would be able to find her. He found her and found out why she left.

Life gets hard and this post is by no means advocating for suicide or stating that the movie Paper Towns is advocating for suicide.

Paper Towns is showing that sometimes you need to get away from your problems. People do that in many ways. I often do it by blogging. Margo did it by going to a paper town.

I Can See Clearly Now

I like to tell myself that the depression is gone. But is it really? Or am I just in a happy moment, day, or week. This current "phase" of happiness has lasted longer than any of my past "phases." Usually, they last a day and then someone does something that puts me back into that place. My not so fun place.

I would try to make my happy moments last but I usually knew that it would come to an end soon. It usually would. I got to the point that no matter who did what to me or about me I would keep a smile on my face, especially when I was around the people who hurt me.

I don't know if the people around me realized I was depressed. I tried to hide it but I think that hurt me even more. If you are close to me, do not hide your feelings or your depression. I hated having to hide my feelings around the people I know and love. It probably did more damage than not.

I'm finally starting to realize that I was self harming myself by not showing my feelings. It wasn't something I wanted to do or tried to do on purpose, it just kinda happened.

Over the summer, one of the students at my school committed suicide. It really opened my eyes more to depression and what happens if it doesn't get taken care of. It broke my heart that people would get so depressed that they would end their lives. Truth be told, that news of hearing about the passing of a fellow classmate really changed my life. I was headed down the same path and my eyes were opened when I saw how everyone was affected by the loss of our friend. I didn't even know this student personally and it affected my life. I only knew him by seeing him in the hallways. When I saw how everyone reacted and rallied with his close friends and family, I realized that I didn't want my friends and family to have to go through that because I made an unchangable decision. #ctH everyone still rallies with his family. Our football team represented our #69 all season. Everyone keeps his spirit alive by wearing their pink shirts and pink bracelets.

It was one day over summer or football season that my eyes were opened and I could see clearly. I could see what was going on in my head. It was over those weeks or months that I started, slowly but surely, working on getting out of this depression.

I am ending this year way happier than I started it. I am ending it feeling beyond loved by so many people.

Being depressed is like being stuck in a dark rain cloud when everyone around you is at the beach on a sunny day.

I am now at the beach on a partly cloudy day.

And....

I can see clearly now the rain is gone.

Depressed Yet Blessed

Depression isn't talked about very much. And it should be. I think I'm going to do a series on it. This is my second post about this subject.

Almost 4 years ago, my grandma passed away to cancer. My whole family's lives were effected by this. There was nothing that anyone of us could do for anyone. Each of us had our people that comforted us for the time being. Honestly, most of those people aren't a part of any of our lives any more and if they are, they aren't as big of a part.

If you have never been depressed or know someone who has been depressed, which I think is very rare, it's hard. You have a desire to be happy. In my case, I wanted to be alone all the time but at the same time I had a huge fear of being alone. I didn't want to be alone but I didn't want anyone to be bothered by my sadness. I would just want to sleep all the time. If I wasn't sleeping, I was eating.

 At 16 my life changed dramatically by divorce. My life continues to change. Just in the past year, my mom got a boyfriend, and my dad got married. It was hard for me to process everything and it got rushed by my parents moving on so quickly. I'm still not sure if I have processed all of it. It all just happened so fast. It was unexpected and I tried to deny it for the longest time. I held onto every single hope I could find that my parents would get back together, and unfortunately they never did. Weddings were hard. Graduation is going to be hard. My wedding and raising my kids will not be what I had envisioned it as when I was growing up. I basically have to start over on what I thought the rest of my life would look like. But God has a plan.

Two Christmases ago, I would have never thought that it would be the last Christmas I spent with both of my parents under the same roof. I still try to see both of them on Christmas but it's difficult with them living so far away from each other. Last Christmas I was still living with my dad. This Christmas I have to drive 50 minutes to one parent and 1 hour 15 minutes to the other.

Things have been said to me or about me to others that have gotten back to me that ultimately hurt me. People are trying to help but they do more damage. The intention is well I know but people with depression need to be approached about their depression and their actions while depressed very carefully. They are trying to do the best they can under their circumstances.

I gained friends that had gone through depression before and I thought they would help me when unfortunately they did more damage than my friends who haven't been depressed. They were the ones who would tell me "just try and be happy". Believe me, I wanted to be happy just as much as you wanted me to. I am so very blessed to have the friends who have loved depressed Dakota just as much as they love happy Dakota.

God has blessed me with so many new relationships through this hard time. I honestly didn't thank him enough.

Depression made me a very self centered person. I didn't want anyone's help. I didn't want God's help either. But as soon as I turned back to Him, He slowly started to change things. He changed my living situation. He changed my work place. He changed my church. He changed my family. Sometimes I don't agree with what He is doing but i can look back know and see that he is doing good. I will look back on today in a couple months or years and I'll be able to see the good that he is doing right now.

I'm not sure why He keeps putting it on my heart to write about my depression but I'm sure I'll see why one day.

A lot of this I have never really opened up about before. I guess it's just easier for me to type and blog about than it is to read about. But I'm okay with that.