I'm not a Victim.

I am not a victim.
Some nights I'm totally fine with what happened.

Some nights I just cry and cry and cry. 

Some nights I deny that it all happened in hopes that I would be able to forget it. 

But every day, at some point or another, it haunts me. 

Sometimes it haunts me more than others. 

I don't always know what triggers it but others I have no idea. 

As much as I want to know so I can prevent my anxiety attacks and my melt downs, it's okay that they happen. 

I hate that I go through this every day.
But I hate even more that I don't have answers.
Why did you do this to me?
How could you text me later that night telling me that you hoped I had a good night?
Where are you now?
Have you done this before?
Will you do this again?
I try my very hardest to pray for you every day.
That God would convict you.
But that He would keep all the other girls that come across you safe.
Because just like me, they don't deserve it.
It hurts.
It hurts the most Friday nights.
It's been thirteen weeks and it still hurts.
This week has been one of the roughest yet.
That email.
The whirlwind of thoughts.
Where are you now?
Trusting God is so hard when I'm so confused.
I know that He has a plan.
And that His will will be done.
It wasn't my fault.
I will be able to go more than a few hours without having to convince myself of that.
But today isn't that day.
Today I had to convince myself that I'm not making this up.
That it is not my fault. 

That I am not a victim.
But that I am a survivor.
I didn't choose to get raped.
He chose to rape me.
It was not my choice.
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening.
I learned my lesson.
I learned many actually.
I've gained new relationships.
I've lost old ones.
But I learned who I am.
I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.
I am beautiful.
I'm not dirty or worthless.
I am WORTHY.
I am way more worth than that guy.
I am worth more than gold.
And I will not let anyone treat me as if I'm anything less.
I am a survivor.