I'm not a Victim.

I am not a victim.
Some nights I'm totally fine with what happened.

Some nights I just cry and cry and cry. 

Some nights I deny that it all happened in hopes that I would be able to forget it. 

But every day, at some point or another, it haunts me. 

Sometimes it haunts me more than others. 

I don't always know what triggers it but others I have no idea. 

As much as I want to know so I can prevent my anxiety attacks and my melt downs, it's okay that they happen. 

I hate that I go through this every day.
But I hate even more that I don't have answers.
Why did you do this to me?
How could you text me later that night telling me that you hoped I had a good night?
Where are you now?
Have you done this before?
Will you do this again?
I try my very hardest to pray for you every day.
That God would convict you.
But that He would keep all the other girls that come across you safe.
Because just like me, they don't deserve it.
It hurts.
It hurts the most Friday nights.
It's been thirteen weeks and it still hurts.
This week has been one of the roughest yet.
That email.
The whirlwind of thoughts.
Where are you now?
Trusting God is so hard when I'm so confused.
I know that He has a plan.
And that His will will be done.
It wasn't my fault.
I will be able to go more than a few hours without having to convince myself of that.
But today isn't that day.
Today I had to convince myself that I'm not making this up.
That it is not my fault. 

That I am not a victim.
But that I am a survivor.
I didn't choose to get raped.
He chose to rape me.
It was not my choice.
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening.
I learned my lesson.
I learned many actually.
I've gained new relationships.
I've lost old ones.
But I learned who I am.
I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought.
I am beautiful.
I'm not dirty or worthless.
I am WORTHY.
I am way more worth than that guy.
I am worth more than gold.
And I will not let anyone treat me as if I'm anything less.
I am a survivor. 

It Happened.

It happens.
Way to often.

It happened.
It happened to me.

There is no timeline.
Or checklist.
But you'll get through it.

"Sometimes the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life"
Now, I know this wasn't my fault.
Some days it's harder to convince myself of that fact.
But I didn't ask for him to rape me.
No one asks to be raped.

It's okay to not be okay.
It's only been two months.

Other people can't tell me how to move on.
They can't tell me that I've been dragging this on.
They can't tell me I need to feel more.
They don't understand how I am feeling.

Right after it happened, when people would ask me how I was doing I would say, "I'm not okay, but that's okay. Because one day I will be okay. That doesn't have to be today or tomorrow, but I'll be okay."

It's been over two months now.
I don't go a day without thinking about it.
But I have more good days than bad days.
It doesn't take as much convincing to get out of bed.

I'm getting better.
Am I back to how I was before?
Definitely not.
Will I ever be?
I sure hope so but I'm not counting on it.
Will someone ever love me after this?
Yes. I know this.

But, you know what I'm tired of?
People treating me like nothing ever happened.
But, you know what else I'm tired of?
People treating me differently because it happened.

It happened.
I'm still me.
I'm a little different.
My trust is a little harder to earn.
It's hard for me to be comfortable around new people.
It's not easy for me to go out and do things by myself anymore.
But I am still me.
I can still trust.
I can still get comfortable around new people.
I can still go out and do things by myself.
It just takes a little bit more.
And that is totally okay.

Because I am okay.
I'm going to be okay.
And so are you.
I promise.

Go out and do something you love.
Go out and be with people who love you.
Because they do.
Go eat your favorite comfort food.
Draw.
Write.
Take pictures.
Go watch a movie.

We will get through this.
We will be okay.